I am a step mom to two boys, one is 11 and the other is 24. It's a hard job but I've learned along the way that's it's also very rewarding, humbling, fulfilling and has allowed me to grow and mature in ways that I haven't with my biological children.
With bio kids, it's so easy to turn on autopilot and get through the squabbles of adolescence. It's easy when you've known your kids since birth and have learned their strengths, weaknesses, quirks, likes, dislikes..etc. but throw a couple new kids on the block, and it gets messy fast! For now, I'll focus on my 11 year old because my other son is an adult and obviously that relationship is very different. I learned the hard way that my attempt to go "hard in the paint" and jump in with both feet into a shallow pond was NOT the way to go. Not even close!
For the last three years, I've been getting to know this sweet boy and hoping, praying, wishing he would consider his step brother and sister and me his family. Until recently, he just...didn't. He lives with his mom full time and only sees us during the summer so obviously, my expectations were a bit high.
What I have found, is that with honesty, openness and a willing heart, we have moved mountains. No, he doesn't want to call me mom. Yes, it took time for him to "accept" my children as his siblings and it took him even longer to release his Kung Fu grip on his dad, my husband, and my children's second father. Because my husband has been so completely involved with my kids, there is no distinction in our family between "step" and "real". We just don't go there. We love each other differently but equally and at the end of the day, we are one.
Here are some things I've learned along the way and if you are in a step family situation, I hope this helps you feel a litttttllle less alone:
- Try not to have expectations. Your stepchildren may love you, hate you, blame you, be indifferent towards you...they may even go through all those feelings in one day. The emotions run the gamut and you gotta be ready for anything!
- Treat them all the same, no matter what! I know it may sound impossible and it will be if you are not totally invested and engaged with this process. Your tendency may be to run to your bio kid's defense whenever tensions rise but you gotta stop in your tracks and assess the situation objectively. ALL my kids can be a-holes so I really, really try to be fair.
- Dole out affection equally. Kiss one, then you may as well kiss them all. I know this seems crazy, but kids notice! They notice where they sit at the table, who gets the front seat of the car, who got more blueberries in their cereal...etc.etc.etc. Just make sure it's fair. So hug it out, and make sure there's a hug for everyone.
- Carve out individual time based on a child's needs. My kids all have different love languages. My daughter, our only girl, LOVES quality time with me. If she had it her way, I'd just sit on her bed all day, keeping her company. My youngest son too. He likes when I play with him or watch TV with him. He also loves words of affirmation and encouragement. My older boy loves affection. He's the first one to snuggle with me in the morning, touch my hair, my face, and wants tickles and scratches. So. I'm very mindful of who got what when. Thankfully, I'm a stay home mom so I have plenty of time to give attention but it can be pretty relentless. All these kids with different needs plus the demands of the home and let's not forget my hubby! If I'm not careful, I will burn out quickly. Which brings me to my next point...
- Take time for yourself! Removing myself from the equation for an hour or two a day accomplishes several things. First, I get to take a nap, a shower, read a book, have a cup of "coffee" with my man...etc. It allows me to recharge. Also, my kids get to learn independence and to keep themselves occupied with a book, project, Lego...etc. Lastly, and more importantly, time without me playing referee allows my children to play and enjoy each other without competing for my attention and they are able to bond without me hovering.
- Never, never, never, NEVER badmouth their Mom, ever! I know at some point you will really feel like blurting things out, defending yourself, sighing, rolling your eyes or being sarcastic but DON'T!!!!!! It will only make you look like a jerk and then feel like one too and the kids notice no matter how subtle you think you are being. We are grown ups and we need to behave like grown ups and I'm responsible for honoring the Lord no matter how frustrating it may be. Now, venting to your husband or a girlfriend is a big must. Just don't unload on the children. It's not their fault.
- Pray, pray and pray some more. Pray for wisdom. Pray for patience. Pray for the kids, for your spouse, for the ex's involved. No one is more powerful than the Lord and HE is capable of giving you all you need no matter how depleted, angry, hurt or lonely you feel. The only thing worse than a divorce is a second divorce and I don't want that. I'm committed for life and I know I can't do this alone!
I hope this helps you navigate the waters of a divorce with kids. It's not easy, not by a long shot, but there are moments that are so priceless, it makes all of the stress worthwhile. My kids trust me, love me, confide in me, count on me and NONE of this would be possible without putting in the work. Good luck!
ONE SWEET BLEND!!
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